So Much Mine

Dear Antonia, 

May 2015 is coming to an end, and I didn't want the month to pass without writing your letter.  It's twenty-five days late.  There are so many things that I want to do for you and your brother, so much love, so much intent.  But time quickly steals the moments from beneath my tired feet.  

You are five-years-old going on fifteen, and you are such an old soul that I often feel as if I am having a conversation with a girlfriend.  But then there are times I swear you have two heads and foam is gathering at the corners of your mouth.  You are so like me.  I am so proud and also a little scared for you.

Just when I think I might lose it, and I want to jump through the window and run screaming down the street you start yelling.  "Mom!!  Mommmmyyyyy!!"  "WHAT?!", I holler in exasperation.  You smirk and look up at me, "I love you".  I can't help but laugh.  

Sometimes you wrap your gangly arms and legs around me in a big hug, then you bend your neck down and bite me!  "HEY!", I yell.  You explain through clenched teeth, "I'm sorry but I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH I had to BITE YOU a little bit!".  Your emotions are all over the place some days that it seems as if they just ooze out of you.  There are times when you are inconsolable after you've done something that you know is wrong.  The guilt wrecks you, and you sob until you can barely breathe.  I've never witnessed repentance like this from a child, and it surprises me every time.  Your heart is amazing.  It's difficult navigating feelings, emotions, and this insane world when you are an adult, let alone five.  You are doing such a great job.

There are a million things to love about you, Nia James, but one of my favorites is your sense of humor - that is all your daddy's.  You make me laugh every day.  I love that the two of you have your games and jokes that are just your own.  

I also love your special friendship with Sammy.  You are an amazing big sister!  I know it won't last forever, but if he's 13 and still running to the door yelling, "NIA!  HUG!" when you come home from school, I want a front-row seat!  

I know this is going to fly by.  I know I am going to wake up tomorrow and you will be a grown woman, and I pray that we have made enough wonderful memories in these first five years for you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were loved.  You were loved, Baby Girl, so so much.